Star-Struck Victims
by svurolivia
Summary: Set during season 17. It always bothered me that Liv never apologized for blaming Amanda for leaking the video, so I decided to fix it. Rated M to be safe


She hasn't smoked since she found out she was pregnant, but after such an awful day, she finds herself chain-smoking cigarettes one after another. That Olivia assumed that she leaked the video of Panko and D'Amico to the public hurt. It hurt even worse she didn't believe her when her after she denied that accusation. She put herself in a dangerous situation with them, no one watching her back, and she allowed them to take her into a bathroom. But she isn't stupid, she would have never released that video to the public. They had attacked her, and it brought up some visceral memories of Patton. Sure, he's always in the back of her mind, and she thinks about him most days. But, now she it's like the trauma is new again. Amanda is jumpy, she's seeing him places he isn't, she is in a state of panic all the time. She has her shoulder up against the wall looking off into the distance when someone grabs her arm. The blonde almost jumps out of her skin, jerking her arm away and whirling around to confront whoever just touched her. She can feel her anxiety rising, she's ready to run away. Not willing to let herself be victimized again. The detective sees the person she least expected. Olivia, her boss, who has her hands raised, like she is showing Amanda that she isn't going to hurt her.

"Sorry, you scared me. What are you doing here? Don't trust me to get home without causing any trouble? How did you even know where to find me?"

"Fin, he told me where your favorite spots were. I've been driving around for a while trying to find you. I came to apologize to you. Rollins, are you okay? It seems like something's bothering you."

"I'm fine, Olivia. What changed? How come you're so willing to take my side all of a sudden? You didn't even want to listen earlier. I told you I didn't leak that video, and you didn't care."

"Dodds, he admitted that he did it. I'm so sorry, Rollins. I should have listened to you."

"So, the chief's son says he leaked the video and you believe him without even questioning it. But I tell you I didn't do it and you assume I'm lying."

"Amanda, I am so sorry. I let are past cloud my judgment. Is something wrong?"

Olivia is studying her detective, and she can tell something is wrong. Amanda is not only upset because she got in trouble at work. Something serious is going on. As far as Olivia is concerned, she hasn't drunk like this since before she had Jesse. This is what the blonde does when she is close to self-destructing. Then it hits her. How Amanda jumped out of her skin when she walked up, the way her eyes are scanning her environment looking for potential threats. Her body language looks like she is ready to run or defend herself should the situation arise. Everything that a victim of a sexual assault would be doing. Patton. Olivia was so concerned what she assumed Amanda did with the video. She didn't even consider at something like would have done to her or the fact that those men assaulted her in that bathroom. They would've raped her if she didn't get away.

"Amanda how are you doing?" Olivia says, reaching out, resting her hand on the younger woman's arm. "This might have brought up all kinds of memories for you. I should've checked in with you after it happened."

The blonde won't make eye contact with Olivia, blinking away tears. Not wanting to show that she is weak or vulnerable. She pretended she was okay for the first five years after Patton and she can pretend she's okay this time too. At least until she can convince herself that it didn't happen again. "I'm fine, Olivia. It didn't bring anything up. I'm blowing off steam. Between work and Jesse, I needed sometime to myself to unwind." Amanda is saying one thing, but her voice and body language give her away. Her voice is weak, her hands are shaking. She is on the verge of breaking down. The older woman reaches out and grabs her drink pulling out of her hand and stops her from reaching for another cigarette. The detective woman wraps her arms around herself, like she is trying to hold herself together.

"Breathe, Amanda. You're okay. No one here wants to hurt you. You're okay. Look at me. I promise I won't let anyone hurt you. I know it must be tough for you, having to relive all those memories." Olivia reaches out to grab Amanda's arms, making the other woman meet her gaze. "Can I drive you home? I think you need to get out of here." Amanda nods her head, scared to speak. She fears she will burst into tears, so she follows the brunette into her car. The blonde is hit with an overwhelming need to be home, wanting to cuddle her baby girl and hide from the world. She sits silently on the drive, her head turned towards the window. When they reach her apartment building, Amanda panics again, scared to be alone in her apartment at night. Afraid of what or who might be lurking in the dark and the nightmares she knows she will have. She hates this, hates that she is right back at the beginning like 6 years ago when the rape first happened. That it seems like all the progress she made over the last 4 years is gone.

"Olivia, I'm scared. I'm so scared and I don't want to be alone right now." The older woman is already taking off her seatbelt, prepared to get out of the car.

"It's okay, Amanda. I'll come up and sit with you for a bit" The two women walk up to the steps to Amanda's apartment, not saying a word. The silence isn't awkward, but heavy, filled with unexpressed sadness. Amanda is running through everything that happened in her head, and Olivia is beating herself up. She can't help but feel like she should've done more last year when Patton showed up. A half assed attempt to get the detective into therapy and a trip to get coffee is all she did. The brunette thinks she should have pushed harder, been there for Amanda. She should've done something back when the blonde first told her something happened a couple of years ago. But, she was so wrapped up in herself, and Elliot leaving she didn't do anything. And she regrets that, so much. There is a lot of things Amanda has done that Liv thinks she could've prevented if she only pushed her about the rape several years ago.

The two women enter the apartment and Rollins dismisses her babysitter and then the younger woman goes to check on her sleeping child, watching Jesse's chest rise and fall. Looking so calm, and peaceful, and innocent. Amanda is hoping so hard that Jesse never knows the pain of what she is going through.

She then walks out into the main living space and asks Olivia is she wants a drink before pouring two glasses of water and walking to where the brunette sits on the couch. Sitting next to each other, Amanda takes a deep, shaky breath before starting to speak. "I just thought I was over this. That I had put this all behind me and it's obvious that I haven't and I hate feeling this way. So weak and powerless and scared."

"You are not weak, Amanda. You are one of the strongest people I know. The trauma is never going to go away. It's not going to go anywhere and sometimes it's going to be like it never happened and other times it's going to feel like this. I know how horrible this is, but you need a better way to deal with this. Going out getting drunk and smoking a pack of cigarettes is never going to make it better. You can't bury this Amanda and expect it go away, you have to deal with it." Amanda had started to cry during Olivia's speech. "You need help Amanda. Please, let me help you. If you let me I will. I should have been there for you before and I wasn't. Let me be there now."

Amanda looks at her with a tear stained face "Please Olivia, help me." And then Olivia pulls her detective into her arms, holding tight. The blonde rests her head against her boss's chest, letting out a sigh of relief. She lets herself rest there for a while, before raising her head and looking at Olivia. Their lips just an inch apart, able to feel each other's breathing. And then Amanda gets a burst of bravery and leans forward kissing Olivia. She kisses back for a second before pulling away. The other woman begins to apologize, until the brunette silences her with another kiss. Deeper and longer than the first.

"Are you sure about this Amanda? I feel like I'm taking advantage of you. You're going through a hard time and I don't want you to regret this in the morning."

"You're not Liv. I've wanted this. For a long time. I just never thought you would want me too."

Olivia kisses her again, working her tongue into Amanda's mouth. One hand on her neck, the other on her hip. The blonde's hands go into the other woman's brunette locks. They kiss until air becomes an issue before pulling away. Olivia moves her head down to her neck and Amanda lets out a low moan. She lies back onto the couch, pulling the older woman with her so she is on top of her beneath her legs. They kiss again and the detective works her hands under Olivia's shirt and bra, finding her breasts and squeezing them. Rubbing already hard nipples between her fingers and now it's Liv's turn to moan. They pull away from each other and rest their foreheads together. The need for air becoming clear.

"We should stop, Amanda. God knows I want you, but I don't want are first time to be a quickie on the couch. I want it to be better because you deserve better. Let me take you to dinner, do this right because I have a feeling what we have is going to special and I want to start if off the right way. Go out with me?" Olivia says still out of breath, looking into Amanda's bright blue eyes which are a shade darker than usual.

"I'd love to go out to with you." Rollins replies, her accent stronger and voice huskier. Something Liv finds incredibly hot. "Come, lay with me for a bit? I know you have to get home to Noah, but would you hold me?"

"Lead the way, baby. I can stay for a few hours." Amanda's heart speeds up hearing Olivia call her baby.

They spend the time cuddling in Amanda's bed. Her head on Olivia's chest, the brunette playing with silky blonde hair. They talk and they plan the beginning of a new relationship. Amanda knows the road ahead won't be easy, but she feels so much better she'll have Liv's support.


End file.
